Horror-scopes

I spent most of the morning crying about the mistakes I may or may not have made on the Bar Exam, questioning my chances of passing, and considering my options in the event of failure. The embarrassment of informing my friends and family that I have failed at my life’s aspiration plays over and over again in my head. I curl up on the couch, under a blanket, trying to block out the day light. I press my face into a cushion, trying to hide from the humiliation and uncertainty that I feel. I discover, after several minutes of tossing and turning, that I am trying to hide from myself–an impossible endeavor. I wonder if this is normal. My head is pounding with a post-sob head ache, and I know it is time to stop. Worrying will get me nowhere. This paranoid state of distress will certainly destroy me.

I have prayed, but God’s answers do not always come in the form of consolation. My prayers echo in an empty and tired head. I have recently turned to other forms of solace, hoping that God’s words will present themselves to me through a different canvas.

One morning I walked into CC’s coffeehouse, and encountered the most relevant horoscope I have ever read. It was so much better than the ones I used to read in Seventeen Magazine at the Alexandria Senior High library (which is undoubtedly the last time I read such a publication). I walked into CC’s, and was waiting in line to place my order. I had my Louisiana Barbri book tucked firmly under my arm, ready for a day of studying. I looked up, and saw my old roommate-slash-classmate from Houston. He came running over to greet me, and to compare notes on studying. For those of you who have not ever experienced law school exams, talking about techniques and progress with other students is a huge no-no. It will only add anxiety to a stressful situation, and that is exactly what happened during my conversation with Andrew. After he left, I looked frantically around the coffee shop, trying to distract the tears threatening to purge themselves from my overactive tear ducts. And then, taped to the tip jar, I saw it. I can’t quote it exactly, but it said something about blocking outside distractions, and trusting your heart. I knew that this horoscope was meant for me, and I took comfort in the message.

Today, God has sent me another astrological message–another predestined form of relief from the horror that is the Bar exam. Today’s message reads: ” You have an innate love of the law and working things through and you are not put off by problems and obstacles. On the contrary, you look forward to solving them today. You will be working with others regarding vocation or career guidance. This may be a career counseling weekend for the young people in your community. You can wisely advise and guide. Frivolous people and time-wasters, however, had better keep their distance from you. There is a sense of emotional coolness or detachment when you become focused, but you have a special affinity with helping others. Many find you a generous and loving person. Shopping this evening, the new and the unusual may grab your attention. Careful, you may not have gotten paid yet.”

Could it be any more spot on? Granted, the community involvement and career guidance part may be a bit off-centered…. Maybe it is a sign that I should preserve my last sliver of sanity, and do something that doesn’t involve stuffing myself between the couch cushions. After reading the message, I felt okay again. I’m not 100% yet. I know that full recovery will not be had for weeks to come. But I am better, for the moment. And I may even get up and vacuum. TAKE THAT, EVIL BAR EXAMINERS!