You Go Girl

2008 was my watershed year. I will always remember it as one of the best years of my life. I graduated from law school, got a new car, got a job in a terrible economy, took and passed the bar exam, I’ve been blessed with a new niece, and most importantly, the man of my dreams asked me to marry him. Yes, he understands that “marriage” means spending the rest of your life with another person. And yes, he still wants to be married to me. 2008 was a year of introspection, retrospection, prospection and respect…ion (not exactly a word, but nothing else would would carry out my alliteration).

Over the past year, I have had an opportunity to look inward. To decide what I like about myself, and what I do not like about myself. I am beginning to know myself again–who I am as a professional, and who I strive to be as an individual.

I have had time to reflect on the past, and to come to terms with mistakes made. I have cast off the memories that weigh me down, and I now reel in those that make me happy. I still value the lessons learned, but have forgiven myself for the decisions leading up to the lessons.

In a profession where you are valued by how many hours you can bill in one day, I have also learned to value my own time. For most of my life, I have been content to sit on the porch and watch the cars go by. Sleeping on the couch was a perfectly acceptable way to spend an entire day. Now that my personal time is limited to weekends and evenings, sleep is something of a commodity. I store it on the shelf, and use it only when my battery is low. I try to spend as much time experiencing life–living. It’s an interesting new experiment, but I like it so far.

Another high note for the year is the collective progress of women everywhere, especially here in the U.S. of A. Hillary Clinton ran for President of the United States, and is now our Secretary of State. Almost every hit song last year was sung by a woman (Beyonce, Amy Winehouse, Madonna, Rihanna, Katy Perry, The Ting Tings, Santogold….). Many rappers–I’m thinking of T.I., but I’m sure there are others–have shifted from verbally assaulting women to celebrating women. The Sex and the City gals kicked ass at the box office. Two female poets read at the Inauguration. Popular culture is shining with smiles of beautiful, confident, and accomplished women. It couldn’t be a better time (thus far) to be a woman.

Addictions

Bruce and I have been watching a lot of the A&E channel lately.  There is a ghost-show called “Paranormal State” where students from Penn State investigate the truth about haunted places. They haven’t really confirmed any paranormal activity, but there is a lot of whispering, jumping and thudding. We think its a pretty great show.  One Sunday night, long after Bruce had fallen into his post-meal couch-slumber, a show called “Intervention” aired on A&E.  The show consists of family members confronting their loved ones about their drug addictions. Most of the “contestants” (as I like to call the addicts) are much like me: blonde, young, outgoing.  Somehow these girls have fallen from the high branches of a loving, supportive family tree, to the deep pit of despair, self-loathing, and addiction. Although it was painful for me to watch, I couldn’t peel my eyes from the screen. I watched in horror as a young woman shot heroin into her neck, and shook my head in disgust as she pled with her family for another chance. 

The show almost hit too close to home. Being blonde, young and outgoing, I realize how easily I could have fallen into that lifestyle.  I also understand that I am not completely invulnerable to temptation.  I am thankful for the daily support of Bruce, my girlfriends, and my family. Why, just two days ago, I emailed my good friend Lindsey, threatening to indulge in a naughty treat. And she reminded me why giving in to addictions, even once, can be so harmful. 

“Don’t go downstairs,” she said. “Those donuts aren’t worth it, and the powdered sugar gets everywhere.”

“But I’m so HUNGRY.” I pleaded.

“Lunch is two hours away. You can do it.”

And I did. I ate my apple. My apple that didn’t, and never will, taste like a Twix. Or a donut.  And at lunch, I ate my Kashi Bar from Hell. I know that, even though Kashi leaves the “from Hell” part off, the bars are in fact manufactured in Hell, and are probably served there too. The wrapper boasts a delicious and healthy combination of chocolate, almond and toffee.  I call that false advertisement. If that black bark wrapped around the compacted cat vomit is chocolate, then my name is Fancy McNutt.

Yesterday, I backslid. I heard about a new cupcake dealer in town, and I secretly planned to go score some chocolate. Bruce and Kyle had plans to go to the shooting range, and I pleasantly helped him pack his equipment and wished him a happy afternoon. As soon as the car pulled away, I grabbed my keys and ran for the car. I parked on a side street, out of view of the busy Magazine Street traffic. I snuck around parked cars and stealthily entered the store. As I entered, the cupcake chemists froze and looked at me.

“I’m in bad need of a cupcake,” I said.

“The menu is on the table,” said the girl with the bag of powder.

I perused the menu, unable to decide which sweet taste of heaven would fulfill my urges.  I looked at the samples in the glass cases. The quality was good, and the cost was moderate. I felt safe in there. We were all there for the same reason. It was the sugar that brought us together, and we were bonded by our shared desires. I selected three chocolate cupcakes with vanilla icing, and three vanilla cupcakes with chocolate icing–one with sprinkles, one with m&ms, and one with marshmellows, and graham crackers on top.  They packed the cakes in an inconspicuous, non-assuming box. Each cake sat in its own little holder. My feet barely touched the ground as I floated to the car, intoxicated with the sweet smell of cupcakes.

When I arrived home, I put two cupcakes on a plate and walked to the couch. I ate both at the same time, alternating bites vanilla and chocolate. I let the sugar and cake melt on my tongue. I immediately felt the rush of sugar enter my bloodstream. I sat there, dazed, allowing my senses to absorb every morsel of my guilty pleasure like a giant sponge. The sugar high must have lasted at least a few minutes, I can’t remember. I woke up a few hours later on the couch, the cupcake wrappers and still on the table. My head ached, and my stomach was sour. I was already experiencing withdrawals.

Was it worth it? Probably not, but I ate two more cupcakes today anyway. There are only two more left. Hopefully this binge will be my last…for a while.

Horror-scopes

I spent most of the morning crying about the mistakes I may or may not have made on the Bar Exam, questioning my chances of passing, and considering my options in the event of failure. The embarrassment of informing my friends and family that I have failed at my life’s aspiration plays over and over again in my head. I curl up on the couch, under a blanket, trying to block out the day light. I press my face into a cushion, trying to hide from the humiliation and uncertainty that I feel. I discover, after several minutes of tossing and turning, that I am trying to hide from myself–an impossible endeavor. I wonder if this is normal. My head is pounding with a post-sob head ache, and I know it is time to stop. Worrying will get me nowhere. This paranoid state of distress will certainly destroy me.

I have prayed, but God’s answers do not always come in the form of consolation. My prayers echo in an empty and tired head. I have recently turned to other forms of solace, hoping that God’s words will present themselves to me through a different canvas.

One morning I walked into CC’s coffeehouse, and encountered the most relevant horoscope I have ever read. It was so much better than the ones I used to read in Seventeen Magazine at the Alexandria Senior High library (which is undoubtedly the last time I read such a publication). I walked into CC’s, and was waiting in line to place my order. I had my Louisiana Barbri book tucked firmly under my arm, ready for a day of studying. I looked up, and saw my old roommate-slash-classmate from Houston. He came running over to greet me, and to compare notes on studying. For those of you who have not ever experienced law school exams, talking about techniques and progress with other students is a huge no-no. It will only add anxiety to a stressful situation, and that is exactly what happened during my conversation with Andrew. After he left, I looked frantically around the coffee shop, trying to distract the tears threatening to purge themselves from my overactive tear ducts. And then, taped to the tip jar, I saw it. I can’t quote it exactly, but it said something about blocking outside distractions, and trusting your heart. I knew that this horoscope was meant for me, and I took comfort in the message.

Today, God has sent me another astrological message–another predestined form of relief from the horror that is the Bar exam. Today’s message reads: ” You have an innate love of the law and working things through and you are not put off by problems and obstacles. On the contrary, you look forward to solving them today. You will be working with others regarding vocation or career guidance. This may be a career counseling weekend for the young people in your community. You can wisely advise and guide. Frivolous people and time-wasters, however, had better keep their distance from you. There is a sense of emotional coolness or detachment when you become focused, but you have a special affinity with helping others. Many find you a generous and loving person. Shopping this evening, the new and the unusual may grab your attention. Careful, you may not have gotten paid yet.”

Could it be any more spot on? Granted, the community involvement and career guidance part may be a bit off-centered…. Maybe it is a sign that I should preserve my last sliver of sanity, and do something that doesn’t involve stuffing myself between the couch cushions. After reading the message, I felt okay again. I’m not 100% yet. I know that full recovery will not be had for weeks to come. But I am better, for the moment. And I may even get up and vacuum. TAKE THAT, EVIL BAR EXAMINERS!